Just when you thought you knew it all, something changes and nothing looks the same again.
I've been going through a tremendous amount of turmoil lately over certain decisions I made a long time ago I thought was the right thing.
Can I say one thing? If nothing else I have ever said is ever taken to heart, know this... if you enter into a long term relationship expecting that ANYTHING will ever change, you are wrong.
Yes, relationships change people. Couples grow and meld in both the good and the bad. Situations can make and break people. But even though it's possible that the akwardness of getting to know someone may eventually fade... you need to know that there is the probability that the person you are with will NOT change their founding character just because you made a choice to be with them.
Period.
Just giving in and choosing to do your best to be the best for them MAY make them love you, doing whatever it takes changing whatever it takes.....YES!But you have to accept that you will ALWAYS have to be that way.
Keep 'em how you 'catch them.
I changed a huge part of who I was to make my husband respect me and love me. I sacrificed a bit part of my personality, even goals and dreams to support his thinking that he would naturally want to bless me that way also.
What ended up happening, was I fell through the cracks. If you put yourself aside enough times, people forget you have needs that are vital. Your needs become expendable, but they never were so important enough before that they took presedence.
Yes, my husband fell in love with me. He fell in love with my accomodations, with my understanding through pain and suffering, through hardship after hardship- he fell in love with how comfortable I made him, how safe and indestructable I allowed him to be.
He fell in love with my low maintenence and my optimism.
That is because I had to do those things to catch him. I had to set aside things that filled my cup. I had to resolve to having things a certain way and I built up a wall towards a lot of dreams. I was EXTREMELY scared to make any plans for my life... to dream about what I would love... because none of it lined up with his, and ultimately everything was formed into what he wanted or needed.
I realized how unhappy I was years ago. I felt like I was a child at home dreaming of one day when I could grow up and have a life... but I am already grown!
I saw other couples socializing and doing things I wanted to do. Vacations, School functions, daily family routines... things that both people took control in doing, it wasnt one person making it all happen.
Sometimes I wonder where my family life ends and mine begins... I'm happy to sacrifice myself for my kids. But I do not feel that staying in a marriage where I am unhappy and unfulfilled will be the best for my kids. I believe that my kids deserve to see their mom at her best, in love and life, and the same for their father.
I can't, "Oh well." my way through life in my marriage.
Stepping outside of myself, I see this... whole world! There is a world out there!!
People do things, go places, interact with other people outside their families! They have people over, they have goals and work towards those goals. They may not be perfect , but who is?
I've had a motto for a long time, it is:
"The grass is always green on the side you water it."
My husband's lawn has been watered daily since he met me. But my lawn is very very dry and dead.
It's time to go.
-Jyn
